


Letters As I Keep Rowing

by nanjcsy



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Holiday Humor, Letter To Home
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-04-27 14:18:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5051707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanjcsy/pseuds/nanjcsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gendry sends a summer camp letter to his dad.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. My Halloween

MY HALLOWEEN

 

Sorry about this paper, Dad but this private school you sent me to requires us to send these stupid essays to you. As if we are little kids telling you about our special holidays. Holidays that we should be spending with our families, Dad. Just sayin.

I am so thrilled that you took the time to send me to the exact school that the camp kids go to. I know you said that is was just coincidence but I don't think I am believing you. All I can say again is i am sorry that the Coastal Police had to search for me and I am sure glad that Mr. Lannister didn't charge you for that theft of a patched up canoe. 

Anyways, so here is how my Halloween went. First I helped Robb and Jon decorate our reception hall for the Halloween dance no one wanted to attend. Gregor and Sandor helped too, they made sure not a single shiny apple was without a sharp surprise. They were in charge of the apple dunking contest but it came out a little closer to waterboarding. It seems to be a fond theme of theirs.

  Cersie spiked the punch and Tyrion sampled most of it. Ramsay kept trying to make Theon hang like a prop and if you think that is funny, you have never taken a staple gun to the hands and feet before. Loras and Renly were playing seven minutes in the coffin until everything was ready.

I got the money you sent me for the perfect costume for the dance. It wasn't as imaginative as some of the other costumes, though. Robb dressed as a King, Jon looked like a knight. The other costumes weren't as fancy but they were effective.

Let's see...oh yeah, Gregor dressed as a giant redneck mutant, Sandor came as a bully. Cersie was believable as a drunk whore, Tyrion was a raving alcoholic, and Jaime was an excellent mimic of an asshole!

Renly dressed as a ghost and Loras pretty much just wore Renly. Theon was dressed as an abused animal, big eyes and all he was missing was Sarah McLaughlin singing as he slowly blinked. Ramsay was dressed as a sociopath.

My costume was the best of all. I went as the invisible student that used his costume money on a life-jacket.

I found a boat, Dad. This time I am better prepared. I stole most of the Halloween candy, my sugar high will keep me rowing for days. If they don't find me by Christmas, please let the school know they can give my locker and dorm cot to another.

Signed,

Gendry


	2. Summer Camp Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gendry sends a summer camp letter to his dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> each holiday Gendry will send a letter to his father. and keep trying to get away on his damned boats.

Dear Father,

Since the counselors will only allow us to use paper and pens as if we live in YOUR time era, so here is your weekly letter. The first one and the last if they let me get away with it. I want to tell you this one thing. Summer camp sucks. You wasted your money and you should pick me up, before I die here. I mean that. The counselors are worse than the ones from the Friday the Thirteenth movies I watched with you.

Cersei, Jaime and Tyrion Lannister aren't capable of watching themselves! All the creepy dwarf does is read books, get drunk and tell us stupid shit that makes no sense to me. How could you let a freak show like that care for your son? The other two, I swear to you are running off to have sex, we have seen and heard them. Cersei is always drunk or messed up on something and Jaime is a total juice head dick!

Want to know if I made any friends? Tell you what, here is a list of these losers and you tell me where I fit in, okay? First off we have the Clegane brothers. Two giant fucking rednecks, I mean it's like a mix between the Walking Dead Dixon brothers and The Hills Have Eyes! One is big and bald like a gigantic hairless baby, the other has huge burn scars and no ear. NO EAR, DAD! They are bullies and no one is safe if the large one is around.

They are the real counselors here, the Lannisters use them for keeping us in line. That means partial drowning, YOU PAY THEM TO WATER-BOARD ME, DAD! DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF? For Fathers Day maybe I can be in traction for you. The bigger mutant already broke some bones around here and threatened us with something called Rectal Infusion. I don't know what it is, since we can't look anything up online. But it sounds pretty bad and you will never forgive yourself if it happens to me.

There are the Goodie Two Shoe Brothers, Jon and Robb. They look like two missing members of a boy band and they talk like politicians. The two of them look like models, are athletic and twice because of them the girls across the lake have raided US! We have Renly and Loras who haven't stopped holding hands since they got here. I think if they let go, maybe they will bleed to death. When they do anything it is together and with enough flair to think they were on the Kardashians.

There is a boy named Ramsay who is our "Jason" here. He is only missing the hockey mask. Honestly, he was caught hunting and skinning animals that were not dead yet! Of course, all the counselors did was tell him to knock it off. His family is rich I guess. So if I am skinned alive, you know who did it at least. Some thin arrogant little shit follows him around and it is really strange. Like creepy strange.

They came together and I think they are foster brothers but they don't really act that way. Theon treats everyone like shit, even had a fight with melted mutant Clegane. A fistfight that he didn't win, but almost did, but with Ramsay he gets all quiet, like he might be scared. I have seen Ramsay hit him a few times and once I heard Theon screaming in the woods.The counselors just ignored it and when Theon came back with a missing finger, no one batted an eye!

Let me tell you what is happening out my cabin window while I write you this letter. Cersei is drunk and feeling up Jaime on top of their cabin roof. Tyrion is napping in a hammock, also drunk. Ramsay has Theon against a tree with an apple on his head. Except Ramsay hasn't tried to shoot an arrow through the apple once. Instead he has only shot two arrows into Theon's thigh. The kid stands there and shakes but doesn't try and move away.

Not creepy though, right dad? Jon and Robb are swimming like they are in an Olympic race. Loras and Renly are being buried up to their necks in the sand by the Clegane brothers. If you don't come get me soon, I swear I will row my way out of here, Dad.

Your son,

Gendry


	3. Get Stuffed, Dad!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!

Dad.

The police way overreacted, you know that don't you? That poor Davos guy was just trying to give me directions, not rape me or anything. Anyway, I really wish you would drop those charges against him. Jail is not an appropriate reaction to bad directions. And I was not that close to being hit by that junk boat regardless what the Coastal assholes with waterproof badges think.

So here I am on Thanksgiving writing the stupid letter that Cersie says is good for us. It was decided by Tywin Lannister who clearly hates all of us, that our group would have it's own private dinner. Meaning our group is too much of a flight risk and too dangerous to be allowed among the other students. Bullshit. I shouldn't even be with these boys, Dad. You don't know what happens here, I am telling you.

Cersie, Tyrion and Jamie sat us down and had us all choose different parts of the feast and decorating to do. Everyone chose things to do and we were all to start at the crack of way too early. The turkey was almost the size of Gregor's chest, which means it was colossal, like possibly a mutant turkey. Radiation fed turkeys probably are cheaper and Cersie would have jumped on that.

Most of the ingredients for our meal was bought fresh by us with our "Student Funds", but some items the Lannisters bought themselves. Those items were clearly not top quality. Such as a huge can that said "meat gravy" on it. No idea what kind of meat but on the back of this can was a small red circle with a line through it. Within that little circle, cut in half by a red line was a monkey. I am relieved the meat gravy is now monkey free. Dad, ask yourself when was the last time you pondered whether there was a monkey in your gravy?

After we all noticed the gravy was monkey free we decided to make our own gravy. Except that Ramsay wanted to add giblets and we were all afraid that meant we would have another kind of meat gravy. We didn't want monkey or Theon in our gravy. Luckily, Ramsay noticed a recipe then called Blood Pudding. The look in poor Theon's eyes as Ramsay dragged him off was haunting, Dad, haunting.

For the rest of the day after they got back, Theon looked like a damned vampire victim. He kept leaning on things, all pale then would slowly slide towards the floor. Each time Ramsay just propped Theon back up and said, "He is fine. He is just a little tired." Does it surprise you to know none of us tried the Blood Pudding except a crying Theon and a demonically happy Ramsay?

The Lannisters were in charge of the turkey. Cersie and Tyrion marinated all day. The turkey fended for itself. Jaime used the baster but the turkey wasn't touched with it. Cersie was well done though and thoroughly moistened. Loras and Renly were in charge of stuffing and they took it to heart by stuffing each other. Eventually they did cooking too. Rob and Jon made pies so perfect that I wanted to hurt them. I cannot say that I didn't laugh when Robb was horrified to find Gregor fucking his key-lime pie.

Gregor and Sandor were in charge of side dishes and I made soup and salad. Except Sandor pissed into the soup and Gregor walked over to my large bowl of salad and punched it. Smashing up my perfectly cubed cheese, the baby tomatoes squashed and the pickles were demolished. Being smart I simply looked at the leering moronic giant and said, "Thank you for punching my salad. It looks much better now." Nodding, Gregor thundered in a new direction. My salad was pulverized but I was not and I called it a win.

I now had a reason to be grateful for something. I refused to eat any of the side dishes as they all seemed to be covered in what they said was cream soup. But the smile on Sandor's face made me a tad suspicious. Tyrion was so drunk that his peed in the Cornucopia that Jon had painstakingly made. Ramsay tore a turkey leg off and gave it to Theon to eat..after he removed most of the meat from it. Theon gnawed it like a caveman but even skinny starved Theon didn't touch the creamy casseroles or the urine seasoned soup. However, we did watch in glee as Cersie and Jaime ate it all up. Renly and Loras hand fed each other pieces of their stuffing and small bits of turkey.

After dinner was over, Robb and Jon made the dread mistake of going outside with a football. Seconds later the Cleganes were out there. As Theon and I were doing the massive clean up, we could hear the Stark boys screaming for mercy. I heard a large crack and it could have been a tree or one of the Starks that were just snapped in half. Renly and Loras were entwined on a small couch when I brought the turkey carcass into the kitchen. When I came back to take more dirty dishes out, Ramsay had managed to tie the two together. I thought the double gag that tied their faces smashed together was a nice touch. I was impressed, if somewhat rattled. 

The Lannisters sobered just enough to take us all to the high school football game. We walked there together which was quite the experience. Ramsay had Theon on a collar and leash the whole time. Loras and Renly had been released from their restraints, but you really couldn't tell. It was like watching a freaky four arms and four legged creature with two heads wandering about. Robb and Jon had matching casts that the "doctor" at the clinic had made for them. They limped bravely if not grimly, refusing to look at the Cleganes.

Not that Sandor or Gregor seemed to care. They were too busy trying to make cars run off the road by throwing the drunken dwarf towards the street occasionally. Jaime and Cersie stopped twice then caught up with us. The second time, it was very hard for us to ignore the fact that Cersie has somehow lost her pantyhose and bra. If she turned too fast in the brisk fall air, you could lose an eye to a random nipple. The football game was boring as I expected it to be. It did hold the attention of most of the others. Well, sort of.

I know this is probably the only part of my letter you would even care about. The game or at least the score of the game. I can't tell you what the score was, or whether it was a good game or not. I found a deep ice fishing boat that is leaving later tonight and I have figured out how to stow away on it. I just have to wait until they cross into international shores and I am free forever. Enjoy your Turkey Day with your OTHER family, Dad. Get stuffed.

Tell the Lannisters I don't want to see them for Christmas!


	4. I Hope You Die Of Eggnog Poisoning!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looks like Gendry was returned to school in time for Christmas. So another holiday letter to his father. Happy Holidays!

Dear Dad,

Here is your damned Christmas letter. As always Cersie likes to remind us kids of having the worst parents in the world by forcing us to write to you. As if you cared, if you cared, we wouldn't be spending our holidays in hell, would we? I am sure it was a relief to you that the police managed to pick me up before I hit the water this time. When Tywin Lannister told me of your grave disappointment in running away yet again, I knew you were irritated. But when he told me to report to the student support center for detention, it was the grins on Gregor and Ramsay's faces that let me know how angry you were. Someday I will strike it rich with a tell all book, Dad. I am not from your generation, I have no problem describing how I was water boarded, flayed and prison raped by the two thugs. I will go on Dr. Phil and embarrass you to the ends of the earth, Dad.

Speaking of raping innocent things, Cersie came up with a holiday tradition for us kids. You would think she'd have learned better after Halloween and Thanksgiving, but she is determined on her sadism. She turned our Christmas into a costume party and dinner, created by us all. Everyone had a hand in decorations and cooking. Ramsay strung cranberries, popcorn and Theon into the massive tree. The tree was hunted, chopped and dragged by Gregor who then THREW the fucking thing to his brother. Sandor then put the tree up in our living room, only after potting it did he think to shake it out. Snow, squirrels, spiders and strangely, one of Theon's missing toes flew all over the new carpet. Loras hung all the shiny ornaments on the tree while Renly hung anything glittery along the walls. It looked like we were getting ready for a Dolly Parton/Elvis Presley drag queen contest. I assisted Jon and Robb with the lights. Tyrion followed behind Cersie, contradicting every order she gave, so we had to redo the lights four times. 

Then as we all prepared our grocery list, Cersie drops on us that we have to have costumes that relate to the holiday. Now we had to go grocery shopping then costume shopping. When we all started to yell in protest, Jaime came up with a solution. Making the mistake that we would trust each other in any way, he suggested a split. Tyrion and some will go shopping with each person's list for the dinner items. He and Cersie will stay with the others who will choose outfits for everyone, going to different stores if need be, til they find the right thing. Loras, Renly, Gregor and Sandor squeezed into the SUV with the incest twins and were off for costumes. I got to ride in the back of a pickup truck in a snowstorm with Robb, Ramsay and Theon. Tyrion napped in the front seat while Jon drove carefully down the mountain roads. We were all very aware that Jon had only gotten his permit a few days before and it kept our arguing to a bare minimum. I would have to say that the highlight of our holiday for me was the sight of Ramsay and Robb clutching each other screaming when Jon nearly plummeted us down the mountain over a wild turkey in the road.

At the grocery store, Tyrion was still shaking over Jon's little mishap. He helped us get over our own terror of it by going to make sure the bar next door was safe. Ramsay stuffed a crying Theon into the little seat for kids in the front of the carriage. Robb and I tried to follow the lists everyone gave us but it was a challenge. Everything we collected in the carriage, Ramsay would exchange for something else. Theon was bored in the carriage and to get his mind off his swelling legs, he started to touch things. When he stuck his hands in a huge barrel of chestnuts it tipped over across the aisle. This made Ramsay laugh so hard that he fell into a rack of glass jars. Since Tywin was no where to be found, Robb had to use his own money to pay for the smashed jars. Jon was lost in a trance in the frozen foods section and I had to pry him free from his icy grip on the freezer bins. He was refusing to drive home and then we couldn't get Tyrion to leave the damned bar. We had to put back some groceries in order for us to get a cab to drive us back to the school.

Dinner ended up being a tad strange since we had to drastically reduce our items to pay for the ride. Also, with Ramsay's fuckery, we didn't get all the items right anyway. So instead of turkey we had turkey hot dogs. We had french fries instead of mashed potatoes, a salad made of cabbage, chili peppers and canned oranges. We had gingerbread men that Sandor had bitten the head and arms off of, a gingerbread house with a Gregor sized chunk taken out of it. Theon cried for an hour over the Christmas cake he spent hours baking when Ramsay put his dirty snow boot on it as a topper. Jon and Robb watched in horror when the mead they painstakingly brewed was nearly swallowed in one gulp by Tyrion. Cersie then forced us all into our outfits and only too late saw it was a bad idea to have a picture taken of us all. Gregor made a fearsome Krampus and was running around shoving us into a sack then beating us with a stick. Sandor was dressed like Bumble, the snow monster and chased us all to crush our ribs in a hug.

Loras and Renly were both Elves on the Shelf with rosy cheeks, glittery eyes and tight red satin bodysuits. I almost dug my own eyes out, Dad. I welcomed being stuck in the sack for my beating, it took away the sight. Ramsay was dressed as Santa, except his outfit was leather. Theon's was clearly a bdsm furry creation from hell. Harness, thong complete with jingling bells, a red nose, antlers and hooves. I don't remember Rudoph or Santa like that, nor do I remember a collar, leash or ball gag on Rudolph. Robb and Jon were not happy in their outfits either. Jon was a snowman, barely able to move in the outfit. Robb was equally miserable in a Nutcracker costume. I was also wearing a Nutcracker costume but I wasn't as embarrassed as Robb was. After all, at least I was dressed as the Rat King...Robb ended up with the Sugarplum Fairy outfit. Cersie and Jaime somehow forgot to wear costumes, of course. They were dressed for a Worst Christmas Sweater contest we weren't having. Tyrion was the best though. He showed up wearing nothing but a way too small white sheet and a wreath on his head. "I am the God of Tits and Wine!" He had announced just before drunkenly flashing the camera.

So here is that picture for you Dad. I made sure to add it to every Christmas card I sent out this season. Oh, I made a new friend while in town, Dad. He owns a dog sled and dogs. Just sayin.

Gendry


	5. My New Years Resolution Is To Hate You More, Dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let us all agree that this last later just showed a little late to Robert's door. Kay? Kay.

Dear Dad,

My New Years Resolution is to hate you more. I saw Deadpool, Dad. Did you? You should watch it, Dad. You are my Frances and someday I'm going to make you pay.

My buddies were NOT a gang, Dad. White Walkers was just a title for a group of guys that had a real big obsession for Winter Apocalypse movies, mainly that featured zombies. They were a nice group of guys, all into pot and cosplay and shit.

And my buddy Ben, you got his dogs all impounded for what? Giving me a ride away from the nightmare school you keep me trapped in? You suck. So he loses his dogs and all my new geek buddies are in jail until their parents can post bail. You really suck.

So I was back just in time for New Years Eve, lucky me. After letting Gregor break my ankle, Cersie decided to be nice and allow me to join the celebration no matter how much I begged not to go. The only thing I was able to get out of was any preparations since I was in surgery with some quack doctor who reset my ankle.

That was the only good thing that happened, Dad. Because once I saw the celebration in full swing, I was really glad I wasn't here for the set up. Gregor, Sandor and Ramsay had made Loras, Renly and Theon part of the fireworks display. I stared really not understanding how they got all three of them tied spread eagle in a pyramid like that.

Jon and Robb might have protested and in fact, I am pretty sure they did. That might be why Robb had a face that looked like it met a brick wall. Or why Jon was cradling his arm as if it might be broken. Both were next to the punch and snacks table and when they moved I could see that they each had an ankle in a metal cuff attached to a long chain that wrapped around the heavy picnic table leg.

The adults might have stopped it, but they were really really busy. Tyrion had managed to build an impressive fort made of empty wine bottles. He emptied each one personally, before setting them around him. Then he curled up, drunk and passed out, sharing only his trumpeting gassy ass with us. Cersei and Jamie had also drunk enough for them to believe they were alone when they started to fuck in the sand near the begging Loras's foot.

The adults didn't startle to awareness until the fireworks started. I must admit, even as I worried for the lives of my classmates, the colors were lovely. Loras's hair caught on fire, Renly lost his hearing and a portion of his thumb. Poor Theon lost another two toes. All suffered some burns.

That got the adults up and moving, at least until Sandor set off the last firework. He announced he got this special from some redheaded Fire Goddess or something. Lighting it and tossing it into the fire pit, he waited then when it went off, he pissed himself. Really Dad, that is how powerful this thing was, Sandor went pee down his leg.

The explosion was nothing I have ever seen before. Green, white the orange. Then everything caught fire and we all ran. Gregor had to throw Robb and Jon on top of the picnic table and carry the whole fucking thing. Best part was this, Dad. Some of the explosion hit the school and they have been making repairs. But we had an extra two weeks of vacation to play with while the classes are rebuilt. And while our classmates are healing.

With so much free time, I have been exploring my options but I have been careful. I know you have them watching me now, you crafty asshole! Don't get comfy, Francis. I'll find a way. 

Your son,

Gendry


End file.
